Do You Ever Wonder How To Make A Relationship Last?

Long Lasting Relationship Secrets Finally Exposed

Do you ever wonder how to make a relationship last?

You know when you get to that stage when your beau is the best thing in your life and you start asking yourself how long your relationship will last. You want it to be forever, but looking around at all the break-ups and divorce that seems impossible. Surely there must be some secret formula that would guarantee success…. Well, I can’t make any guarantees, but I have done some research into strong relationships.

Notebooks ready?

Here’s the thing about relationships.Sometimes they’re candlelit date nights, walks through grassy meadows, and feeding each other cake at your wedding.But sometimes they’re doing the dishes, comforting a screaming baby, and fighting over whose turn it is to do the dishes or comfort the screaming baby. Which is to say: While sometimes your love and passion for each other is obvious, sometimes it’s really, really not.So how do you know if your relationship is terrific — or heading south? 

Psychologists have spent years studying the traits that are fundamental to successful long-term relationships and have come up with a few key ideas. We rounded up some of their most surprising insights below. 

 

You think about your partner often when you’re not together

In 2007, researchers randomly dialed nearly 300 married people and asked them a series of questions about their relationships and how in love they felt.

Results showed that certain relationship characteristics were linked to stronger feelings of love. One especially interesting finding: The more often people reported thinking about their partner when they were apart, the more in love they felt.

The same study included a follow-up experiment with nearly 400 married New Yorkers, which found that difficulty concentrating on other things while you’re thinking about your partner is also linked to strong feelings of love — especially for men.

You respond positively to each other’s good news. 

Business Insider’s Lauren Friedman reported that one litmus test of a happy relationship is how enthusiastically each partner responds to the other’s good news.

A Psychology Today blog post breaks down four ways a man could respond after his partner tells him about a promotion at work:

  • An active-constructive response from him would be enthusiastic support: “That’s great, honey! I knew you could do it, you’ve been working so hard.” 
  • A passive-constructive response would be understated support — a warm smile and a simple “That’s good news.” 
  • An active-destructive response would be a statement that demeaned the event: “Does this mean you are going to be gone working even longer hours now? Are you sure you can handle it?” 
  • Finally, a passive-destructive response would virtually ignore the good news: “Oh, really? Well you won’t believe what happened to me on the drive home today!”

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the response that’s most closely linked to relationship satisfaction is the active-constructive response.

You spend some time apart, with your own friends. 

Over the past few decades, we’ve started placing increasing demands on our spouses. As Business Insider’s Jessica Orwig reported, no longer do we expect them to be financial partners, protectors, and companions — now we also want them to provide personal fulfillment.

The psychologist who produced some of these findings, Eli Finkel, suggests that if you want to be happy in your marriage, it’s best not to look to your partner for all your existential needs. Finkel recommends finding yourself in hobbies, friends, and work.

You have a similar sense of humor. 

Neil Clark Warren, psychologist and founder of dating site eHarmony, previously told Business Insider that humor can be a “social lubricant” in a romantic relationship.

Business Insider’s Erin Brodwin has reported that having a “private language” with your partner — like nicknames and jokes that no one else would get — can help facilitate bonding and often predicts relationship satisfaction.

You split chores evenly.

In one poll, as many as 62% of adults said that sharing chores is very important to a successful marriage. Interestingly, given societal stereotypes, there was no difference between men and women respondents.

But while men are doing more housework than they were in years past, research has found that women still pick up most of the slack.

You try new things together.

For a study published in 1993, researchers looked at the relationship quality of more than 50 middle-aged married couples and assigned them to one of three groups.

One group picked new and exciting activities to do together for 90 minutes a week — like going to a play or dancing. Another group spent 90 minutes a week doing pleasant but routine activities together — like going to a movie. The last group wasn’t asked to change anything.

After 10 weeks, the researchers reassessed the couples’ relationship quality and found that those who had tried new and exciting things were the most satisfied.

As The New York Times reported in 2008:

“Dr. Aron [one of the researchers behind the study] cautions that novelty alone is probably not enough to save a marriage in crisis. But for couples who have a reasonably good but slightly dull relationship, novelty may help reignite old sparks.”

You don’t have a lot of extreme downturns in your relationship.

Researchers recently looked at nearly 400 dating couples and used their feedback about their relationships to identify four patterns of commitment: dramatic, conflict-ridden, socially involved, and partner-focused.

As psychologist and relationships expert Gary Lewandowski explains on Science of Relationships, dramatic couples showed a lot of fluctuation in their commitment to their partners over time.

Partner-focused couples saw their partners positively and mostly experienced fluctuations in commitment when they couldn’t spend as much time together.

Socially involved couples usually experienced fluctuations when their friends and family changed what they thought of the relationship.

Finally, conflict-ridden couples fought often and had a lot of mini-fluctuations in their level of commitment.

As it turns out, partner-focused couples were most likely to get more serious in their relationship, and dramatic couples were most likely to break up.

You know how to recover from a fight.

Psychologist and relationship expert John Gottman previously told Business Insider that the No. 1 shared trait among successful relationships is being able to repair the bond after a fight.

It’s not about not having conflict at all — instead, it’s about the way you approach it. Gottman told Business Insider:

“The thing that all really good marriages and love relationships have in common is that they communicate to their partner a model that when you’re upset, I listen.

“The world stops, and I listen. And we repair things. We don’t let things go. We don’t leave one another in pain. We talk about it, and we repair.”

via Signs you’re in a strong relationship


This is an interesting video on love and the brain. Basically the longer you take to decide to marry someone the more likely your relationship will succeed….

For those of you that want more, these are the qualities you need in your relationships….

15 Essential Qualities of Loving Relationships

1. Acceptance

Any partner will have qualities, characteristics, and behaviors that push your buttons and test your sanity. To make your relationship last, you have to accept your partner unconditionally—quirks, behavior, flaws, and all. First, you make the commitment to accepting them completely. Then, you speak up and say what it is that’s bothering you.

2. Respect

Once the chase is over and we’ve gotten the prize, we often just forget about our partner’s feelings and needs. In lasting relationships, both partners value each other and take care with their words, actions, and behaviors. If you want to be with that person each day, make them feel that way.

3. Vulnerability

If you’re not willing to share what’s going on with you or what you need from your partner, you’re not going to get what you need. Yet, us men, and women, too—out of shame or a habit built over a lifetime of bottling up our feelings—don’t want to let anyone else in on what’s going on with us. If you can trust your partner enough to share your feelings, you’re more likely to find yourself in a safe relationship that lasts.

4. Trust

You have to be willing to trust your partner not only with your feelings but with your weaknesses. You will have to learn trust at the emotional, physical, and spiritual level. Trust takes practice and is earned one step at a time. Even when trust is broken, you can find a way to repair a breach in trust if you’re willing to work on it.

5. Honesty

You have to be willing to share what’s going on, no matter how ugly. You can’t hide behind lies and deception if you want your relationship to last. If you can’t believe your partner when they tell you something, or if your partner is hiding things from you, it’s going to be hard for you to feel safe. Honesty helps foster trust and a belief in each other, which is crucial to making it over the long haul.

6. Empathy

Empathy means trying to understand what your partner is feeling. It isn’t about trying to fix your partner’s concerns and problems, necessarily, but about being able to be there for them. If you can pay more attention to what’s going on with your partner and strive to see things from their eyes, you will find yourself getting closer over time rather than more distant.

7. Kindness

Do all the things for your partner that you would do for your best friend. Try to anticipate their needs. Think about what they need help with and try to be there for them. Cut out the behavior that gets on their nerves and find ways to uplift your partner. Thoughtfulness, consideration, and kindness is the recipe for lasting relationships.

8. Commitment

You have to be committed to your partner, yes. But more than commitment to your partner, you have to be committed to the relationship. If you think about the health and future of the relationship instead of just your own, you’re likely to take more constructive actions and behave differently. It’s not just about getting your needs met. It’s about replenishing the fire so your relationship can last.

9. Thoughtfulness

Thoughtfulness is keeping your partner in mind and striving to do things that will make their lives better. It’s knowing their preferences, opinions, and quirks so you’re able to dance with them, not fight them with. The better you know your partner, the more you can practice thoughtfulness. What can you do today to help them or improve their lives? What can you do today to make your partner’s day?

10. Forgiveness

You will be offended and feel hurt many times throughout a relationship. The key is to forgive quickly, let go of grudges, and start over each day. Yes, this is easier said than done, but forgiveness is crucial to the long-term health of the relationship. You have to let go of trespasses and also be willing to ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness takes courage, vulnerability, and practice.

11. Compromise

It may sound clichéd, but giving up on firm positions, unbendable views of the world, and what you each want to do independently of the other person is another important step to lasting love. Our egos usually hold us hostage and we can’t get out of the “win-lose” mentality. Compromise is letting go of what’s important to you individually in order to do what is important to the health of the relationship. It’s finding common ground.

12. Gentleness

Gentleness comes through in thoughts, words, actions, and your general state of being. It’s understanding and accepting your partner completely and treating them delicately. It’s not yelling, not being verbally or emotionally abusive, or name-calling.

Gentleness is treating your partner in a respectful, kind, and compassionate way. It’s recognizing your soulful connection and appreciating their inherent humanness.

13. Affection

After some time in relationships, we often forget to show love and affection toward our partners. Affection can be as simple as touching, holding, or kissing your partner for no reason at all. It’s a warm embrace, a light touch, a loving word, or any other small way you can show your partner that you love them.

To be most affectionate, you have to know how your partner receives love best and do more of that. Is it a loving word, a thoughtful gesture, help around the house, or doing something special for them? The better you know what your partner enjoys, the more affectionate you can be.

14. Appreciation

We all take our partners for granted sometimes. If you can regularly remind yourself how lucky you are and how valuable your partner is, and tell them so, you will boost the happiness and longevity of your relationship. Partners who stay together appreciate each other and compliment each other. Recognize what your partner is doing and let them know that you’re thankful for it.

15. Validation

Most of the time, people don’t really understand us. Everyone has different opinions. Validating your partner shows them that you’re on their side. When you understand and accept what they say, they feel fully seen, heard, and accepted. It’s acknowledging what your partner is saying to you and showing them that you get them—you understand what they’re saying and experiencing. When you validate, you accept. And when you accept, you show unconditional love, which is ultimately what keeps people and relationships together in the long run.

 via 15 Essential Qualities Of Lasting Relationships

Next Steps

So now you know how to have a long lasting relationship. Success is not based on one simple factor, it takes work every day to maintain a healthy balanced relationship, but it’s so worth it….